There are two ways to bite in a conflict: confrontationally the other with your claws out or avoidantly run away and bite yourself in pity but there’s another way. Are you hyperalert or anxious whenever threats arise and you’re looking for a way out? How about a map leading up? I find images speak much louder than abstract words for this topic so come follow along in a way that’s new for me. I present you a map towards the balanced centered type.
The Spectrum
Imagine a spectrum with two ends to represent the conflict styles.
One end represents the Avoidant type, the other represents the Confrontational type, which I wrote about in the last article. Both ends are separated by a chasm, a hill and another chasm.
The high hill in the center represents the Centered type. Where both extremes react to fear with self-destructive tendencies that bite, only the center is stable and is able to respond. For from the center, one can see the threats before they arrive, giving time, which is what separates a reaction from a response. Let’s go deeper to the matter, for the way toward the center involves a death of sorts.
The Path to the Center
For there to be growth out of the extremes, the only way is down into a chasm, for it represents a sacrifice or death of what was held which doesn’t serve. If you’re tendency is to run from conflict this means you accept your need to embrace conflict to get what you want. If on the other hand, “Conflict and Claws” is your mantra, this means embracing discernment to pick your battles. This means getting off your little hill and fumbling into the unknown.
Only when you’ve reached the bottom of the pit does the path lead back upwards. Once you’re outta the water, every step brings you higher and higher and a split second more awareness between the threat and your response. It can’t be learned theoretically, it’s embodied.
Once you make it to the top, you’re not done yet, you just have a better position and view of both ends. Now you are sandwhiched in between the Confrontationals who will throw their spears up at you, and the Avoidants who attack passively-aggressively.
Upon this bare patch, you need solid boundaries. Boundaries that preserve your wealth, whether that’s your energy or your piece of mind. That’s where your foundations come into play.
The foundations of your boundaries are your Core Values, you know the things you value most in life. They’re the things you’re willing to fight, or at least, speak up for, especially if they’re breaced on your turf. Go head, lay the foundations and build a fortress of your values.
And remember the draw-bridge. The point is not to close yourself off completely but to choose who you open up to and let inside your safe space. One of your core values better be trust, for no relationship can thrive without it.
For once you know your values and you have boundaries, you can choose who you let in and who you address from your tower with distance between you.
